i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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