Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize