my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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