I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
