i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize