MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
