my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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