dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize