I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
