somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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