You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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