Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Congratulations! We have a period
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