around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
