Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize