Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
