My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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