I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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