I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
