There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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