I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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