Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
