Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
