I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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