I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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