If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
