woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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