Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
