Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize