The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
