You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
