Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my being single is dangerous.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
