we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Everything about him screamed your future.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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