shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize