doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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