So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
