I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
