So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
