I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize