I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
