When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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