Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
