Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
