did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
