he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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