I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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