I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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