I accidentally burped into my bong.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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