i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
