I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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