I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
