its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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