I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
