im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
