So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
