I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
