I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
