My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
