When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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