Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
