I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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