Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
