When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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