I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
