You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
