you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
