I wish I only lived at night.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
